"I don't want to hurt you! I just want to make you kosher!"

Just call me the Frisco Kid.

Today I saddled up at the crack o'dawn, despite it being a FRIGGIN' SUNDAY, and moseyed on down to Universal Studios where myself and a posse of other pages began what for me is day one of a week of LA Screenings. Basically people from all over the world are coming, and we're trying to get them to buy our shows for their networks, whether they're in Brazil, Japan, or the United Arab Emirates (hmm well not sure 'bout that one ...). So today Central, South America, the Caribbean islands, and Mexico were all in the house, and we welcomed them to the USA by holding a huge shindig at the Universal backlot - namely in their kickass OLD WEST SOUNDSTAGE! Now, I reckon' that this backlot is practically every right-minded boy's fantasy-land. Basically, it is like being in a Wild West frontier town. So yes, much fun was to be had pretending to have gun-duels, walking through oversized saloon doors, and listening to the ambient musical stylings of an authentic Old West-style bluegrass banjo-playin' duo, as Cowboys roamed around lassoing stuff and fortune tellers and caricature artists entertained out Latino friends. Sure, it was about 5 billion degrees out there, but hey, pretty cool nonetheless. Oh wait, did I mention I was working at 8 am on a Sunday? So yeah, not exactly ideal, but if I had to be working this was hardly the worst thing I could have been doing. Oh yeah, can you say free lunch vouchers? Well howdy there pardner, what I got to say is: YEEEEHAAAAAAAA.

Oh - one funny moment - I go to the far side of the lot to use the restrooms there, come back out, and the Universal studio tour tram is coming by, past the Old West set where we're stationed. Some tourist on the tram looks at me in my page uniform, walking past the saloons and horse stables, and yells out: "Hey, you're not a cowboy!" Kind of surreal.

After the event was over I headed back into the Citywalk area and, seeking to escape the ridiulous heat, caught Kingdom of Heaven with a fellow page. So time for a quick:

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN REVIEW:

Hmm ... Gladiator to me was an instant, four-star classic, so the sweet previews for this one (the followup historical actioner from Ridley Scott) got me super hyped up. Alas, the mostly negative reviews drained most of my enthusiasm. Still, I was excited to see the movie today and it turns out that it was definitely worth seeing. On the other hand it was a really slow paced movie in places and while the overall theme was interesting, most of the finer details of the plot and characters were pretty muddled and unmemorable. Orlando Bloom was decent as the lead, but he was overshadowed early in the movie by Liam Neeson as his father, and he never really takes over the movie like he should. It doesn't help that his character is written as pretty bland and lacking much real motivation for any of his actions. The coolest character by far was the Christian King who was a leper and hid behind an eerie silver mask. Awesome idea (not sure if it's based on fact or not) and a really cool visual. Too bad more of the movie isn't devoted to him. The villains of the picture have some pretty nice, suitably evil lines, but never quite reach the level of Joquain (sp?) Phoenix's Gladiator villainy. The movie's messages also seem to be very mixed and I came out of it not quite understanding what the point was. I won't get into the whole deal but basically it was hard to really sympathize with or even follow Orlando Bloom's course of actions as he rises from humble blacksmith to leader of the English army during the Crusades. Still, some interesting concepts, good action, a few bits of excellent acting and sharp dialogue, and a very thought-provoking historical setting make this at least worth an eventual rental. My grade: B-

Okay, now for some ranting about TV schedules. WHAT THE HELL ARE THE NETWORKS THINKING? Before I get to that, first, the good:

Arrested Development is BACK. AWESOME. And the Monday at 8 pm timeslot seems like a good idea - build up a comedy lineup to lead into 24 and new show The Inside which will replace it until January. Jack and Bobby is cancelled, which isn't good, but as I said earlier, this show went out with a bang and had a great ending that really works well as a finale to the series, so I can't say I mind too much that it won't be back. Oh yeah, NBC has put together a seemingly decent comedy block on Tuesdays with The Office paired with the promising new show My Name is Earl.

Okay, that's about it for the good ...

Now for the rest of the complete idiocy ...

1.) VERONICA MARS VS. ... LOST?!?!
What. The. Hell? Okay UPN, you took the plunge and renewed Veronica Mars, which had low ratings but was easily your biggest "buzz" show. Kudos for that. BUT, you then take this young-skewing mystery show with cult sensibilities, and PUT IT UP AGAINST THE MOST HIGHLY RATED MYSTERY SHOW WITH CULT SENSIBILITIES?!?! What are you thinking? Yes, it now follows UPN's highest rated show, America's next top model, but honestly do you think those shows attract the same audience? The only thing I can think of is that they didn't know Lost would move from 8 to 9 pm. If they want to fix this, the solution seems pretty obvious: switch Top Model and Veronica Mars around, putting Mars at 8pm. Sure, VM is kinda dark for the 8pm slot, but it creates a nice block of VM and then Lost for genre fans who want to watch both shows. If only ABC had just kept Lost at 8 ... they are really screwing VM with this move. That being said, VM shoulda stuck to Tuesdays.

2.) SMALLVILLE VS. ... THE OC?!?!
This one is just mind-boggling. At least with VM the stakes are relatively low despite the show's vocal fanbase. But, come on, WB, Smallville is one of your highest reated shows. It's a teen drama that appeals to males and females -- JUST LIKE THE OC. I guarantee there is a ton of crossover audience with these two shows, so WHY move Smallville to Thursdays at 8? This just makes zero sense for WB. Smallville should have been kept at 8 pm on Wednesdays, where thanks to ABC's shifts, it would no longer be competing with Lost (which was probably the reason for it moving in the first place - wow ABC really is messing things up left and right with Lost moving to 9 pm!). Well, looks like my VCR will be working overtime.

3.) MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE ... ON FRIDAYS?!?!
Okay FOX, it's official: SCREW YOU. It just seems so obvious ... you want to move Malcolm away from Sundays, that's clear (even though it's been a Sunday staple for SIX YEARS - it's probably going into it's last year so why not just let it stay put for one year?!?!). So look, Arrested is moving to Mondays, it's a similarly quirky humor to Malcolm, so it seems obvious -- put Malcolm on Mondays at 8:00, the slightly older-skewing Arrested at 8:30, and then 24 at 9. It's perfect. But no, instead, after years of screwing a truly CLASSIC show by sticking it at 7:30's, you all but KILL IT with the Friday death-slot. That is just plain horrible.

So yeah, it's craziness. Networks are so dumb. It's amazing. Oh yeah, kinda funny how UPN is totally screwing Vince McMahon and the WWE by moving Smackdown to Fridays (apparently without even telling them ahead of time). Man how they have fallen in status from the glory days of the late 90's, when WWE and WCW combined were pulling in like a 10 or 11 rating every Monday night.

In movie news, I LOVE the casting of Kelsey Grammar as the Beast for X-Men 3. Seriously, his voice is perfect, and he even kinda looks the part. Sure he is older and not exactly superhero-ish in stature, but CGI and latex makeup can do plenty to fix that. Now Maggie Grace (of Lost) as Kitty Pride I'm not sure if I approve of. She seems way too unlikable to pull it off, but hey who knows.

Ah yeah, THE OC SEASON FINALE:

Great episode. They played this one mostly straight and kept the humor to a minumum, and when Seth did deliver his overused as of late one liners they came at just the right moments. Kiersten's breakdown was handled very well, and the whole Trey storyline came to an excellent conclusion, that was shocking yet nothing so out there as to ruin the show. The return of Jimmy Cooper was much-welcomed, as his character really brings a fun dynamic to the show, and I liked how in the end the focus was back squarely on Ryan, who it is easy to forget is supposed to be the show's main character. My grade: A -

Man, I'm hearing such mixed reactions about STAR WARS. But I stand by my review, for now at least. Sure, much of the acting was bad and the cheesiness of the dialogue distracted at times, but you just can't look at it like you would a typical movie. Think of a book like THE ODYSSEY for example. Does it have great dialogue, realism, consistency, or dramatic flow? NO. Is it a classic story? YES. Because it's the overarching story, the MYTHOLOGY, that's key. It's the same with a good story told around a campfire. You remember the CHARACTER'S, the THEMES, the most basic, iconic aspects of the journey and the mythos - they resonate and last because they are universal and archetypal yet fresh and imaginative. And we aren't watching Star Wars for Quentin Tarantino-esque dialogue or Oscar-caliber acting. We're watching it to see an epic saga unfold - to watch larger than life characters do larger than life things, and look damn cool doing them. So yes, Star Wars: ROTS succeeds in what it is, suceeds in creating the appropriate stage that the first two prequels did not. And if you don't think so, then you're watching the wrong movie.

TOMORROW:

Back at Universal bright n' early for more screening events.

Will I get the primetime programming assignment?

And ...

Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

2 HOUR SEASON FINALE OF 24~!