Monday, April 02, 2007

Praised Be He Who Lifted Us Out From the Dunghill: Happy Passover, and a BLADES OF GLORY Review!

Arrrgggh, Passover!

In many ways, it's the anti-Channukah. Why do I say this? Well let me put it this way: The fact that Channukah is eight days long worked out to the great benefit of nice Jewish boys and girls everywhere. Eight crazy nights equals eight times the presents. But with Passover, the eight-day long celebration mean eight days without bread, or as we call it in Hebrew, chametz. But why is this? As far as I know, there's no real reason per se why we celebrate this holiday for eight days. Isn't it just one of those things where we weren't sure when exactly to celebrate, and thus decided to just make it eight days to cover all our bases? All I know is, whoever decided to make Passover eight days long clearly lived in a time that predated the sandwich.

I'll be honest with you. I am a big eater of bread. I love it. Most of my normal eating routine consists of bread or bread-based products, or other things containing wheat, flour, grains, or dough. To me, a piece of meat without bread, a salad without croutons, dough that has not risen - well, it just ain't natural. I mean, I am one of those people who was baffled to find that some people actually eat matzoh at times other than Passover. Why would one do this? Matzoh is gross! It's like a hard cracker with a nasty, brittle, cardboard texture. The only way it's tolerable is when drowned by something like chocolate or tomato sauce and cheese. Everything on Passover is made with matzoh meal in place of flour, and that's one good reason why most Passover food is terrible.

So of course, the marketing geniuses at companies like Manischevitz realized that one of the few tasty things you can actually eat on Passover is chocolate. Of course, Passover chocolate is essentially the same as regular chocolate minus some corn syrup or whatever. And yet, go to any supermarket and find their Passover section - 90% of what they sell is friggin' chocolate. How did this happen? Again, I guess it's a reaction to being unable to eat pizza, cake, whatever. Most other junkfood is off limits, so Passover is a defacto chocolate bonanza. So much for taking the opportunity to lose some pounds ...

And then, if you go to a well-stocked grocery store in a Jewish area, you'll find Kosher-For-Passover versions of EVERYTHING. Pasta, tomato sauce, salad dressing, muffin mix, licorice, sherbert, potato chips. I'm not sure what makes kosher for passsover marinara sauce ANY different from the regular variety, but there it is, slapped with a Hebrew label and selling for two bucks more than the regular version. I don't know, the whole thing strikes me as hypocritical - to be so concerned with obeying the letter of the law, that you're basically violating the spirit of the law by eating everything you normally would except in breadless, grosser-tasting versions. Why is this night different from all other nights? Well, it's not, except the brownies seem a little bit more granular than usual ...

My conclusion? Passover should be a TWO-DAY holiday, end of story. You have one seder, and then spend the next day eating Matzoh and chicken and whatever, and then after a long, breadless day, celebrate with a hearty pizza meal. But here all of us Jews are, bracing for eight days of lack-of-bread-induced impending sickness as we shell out bucks to Manischevitz for Kosher-for-Passover fruit rollups. Dammit all ...

Anyways, it was a good weekend this weekend. I helped to celebrate the bday of the Kaiser Roll, for one. I also discovered the amazingness that is GUITAR HERO. Holy lord, up until this weekend, I had only heard of the game's purported addictiveness and fun factor. Finally, I experienced it firsthand, and spent hours virtually riffing to hits by the likes of Motley Crue and The Police. Pure genius. I can't wait to dive into Career Mode, I just need to think of a sweet name for my virtual band. Suggestions?

On Sunday, me and a few fellow Hulkamaniacs gathered 'round for the annual sports-entertainment extravaganza that is Wrestlemania. Overall, it was a slightly disappointing show, with two strong title matches but few other real standout moments. Two legends in Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker reestablished their greatness and ability to carry a match. But the big headline-grabbing bout, McMahon vs. Trump in a hair-vs.-hair match, did not really live up to the hype - it was pretty much just an amusing sideshow. The Money in the Bank match didn't live up to past year's in terms of excitement or spectacle, and no match really stood out as a classic to rival the likes of Edge vs. Foley from last year or Michaels vs. Angle from two years ago. Michaels vs. Cena was match of the night, but Michaels has had so many great matches that he is practically expected to deliver a 5 star classic at an event like this, and this was merely very good, not great. Still, 'Mania is always fun to watch, and the event has gotten an additional touch of class now that it's proceeded by an annual Hall of Fame induction ceremony. The acceptance speech by "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes was a classic, if you weeeeeeel, and the tribute to the late great Mr. Perfect, Curt Henning, was enough to make even the most badass ring brawler misty-eyed.

TV STUFF:

- What a night for the first Passover seder, coinciding with the PRISON BREAK season finale! Gahhhhhhhhh!

- On FOX last night, only KING OF THE HILL was new, but the underrated animated classic came through with an offbeat but entertaining installment. So, who knew - reserved redneck Hank Hill is a cousin to ZZ Top frontman Dusty Hill? Genius! It's funny though, going in I felt like Hank Hill might actually be down with the bearded ones, but Hank's condemnation of the rockstar lifestyle made for a classic Hank vs. The World type episode, where poor, put-upon Hank Hill singlehandedly fights rock n' roll, reality television, and punk'd-style pranksterism in one fell swoop. This ep had a ton of great lines, classic characterizations, and a fun spoof on the current trend of giving washed up rockers their own reality shows. A great ep overall.

My Grade: A

Movies:

BLADES OF GLORY Review:

- Yes, this is another one of those "Will Ferrell as overconfidant alpha-male unaware of his own ridiculosness takes part in profession ripe for mocking" movies. But like the best of these flicks (Talladega Nights, Anchorman), Blades is pretty damn funny, and goes all out in terms of seeing how far it can go with its inherent absurdity. This movie really, really want you to laugh, and for the most part it succeeds. I mean, either you were sold on this one months ago or you weren't. I know I was. I mean, to me, figure skating is one of the stupidest "sports" there is, so filled with odd characters that it is basically begging to be mocked, and mocked ruthlessly. Will Ferrell's typical alpha male sleazeball character (see: Robert Goulet on SNL, Anchorman), is a perfect match for the effeminate world of skating, and Jon Heder, in his best role since Napoleon, is a perfect counterpart to Ferell. The two work very well together, and both do a wonderfully hilarious job of being equally oblivious to their own absurdity. Blades doesn't have the solid plotting of Talladega, or the same classic quotability of Anchorman, but it may have the highest laugh ratio of any Ferell film to date. While you might come away from the movie only half-remembering what you just saw, if you're like me, and find the idea of two guys competing as an over the top skating duo hilarious, then you'll have just spend two solid hours laughing your ass off.

One thing Blades has going for it is an absoultely all-star cast of comedic talent. Not only is the cast great from top to bottom, but the movie smartly plays to everyone's strengths. Will Ferell is doing classic Will Ferell here. Jon Heder is only a few steps removed from his usual geeky-outsider role. In addition, we get Craig T. Nelson playing their coach - a real stretch for him ... but while it's nothing new for Nelson, he does a great job with the role, even while sporting a hideous skullet for the duration of the film. The movie has a great pair of villains in real-life couple Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Arnett is basically playing a more sinister version of Gob from Arrested D, and Poehler's vampy villainous is also familiar territory for her - but again, both do a great job in parts that play to their strengths as comedians. Another great bit part goes to Prison Break's own William Fichtner, who brings a dry wit to his role as Heder's adoptive father, and gets off a few great one-liners. The Office's Jenna Fischer has a great turn as well, playing a similarly shy and mousy character that reminds us of Pam, although in this movie she gets to loosen the reigns a bit, so to speak, and shows off a new side or two, with a few scenes that will probably elicit an offer from Maxim magazine and have Pam fans' jaws collectively dropping to the floor. Otherwise, great cameos abound, from Luke Wilson to Andy Richter to Rob Corddry to skating personalities like Sasha Cohen and Nancy Kerrigan.

A great cast, a hilarious premise, and a lead character named Chazz Michael Michaels. What more do you want in a movie? Well, I will say that things seriously start to drag past the halfway point, and the movie loses a lot of its initial momentum when it begins to focus on Arnett and Poehler's nefarious scheme to sabotage the championship skate-off. The film is at its best when it focuses on the always entertaining interaction between Ferrell and Heder, and not when it tries to be a caper / action movie. But yeah, this is a great piece of comedic junk food - an over the top parody of figure-skating that never lets us forget that homoerotic ice-capades set to 1980's hair-metal is endlessly funny. Yep, whatever other failings this movie might have, seeing Chazz Michael Michaels hilariously thrust and fireball his way through a skating routine set to "The Stroke" is probably worth the price of admission alone. At least, it was for me.

My Grade: B+

Alright, I'm out -- Happy Passover, Chag Sameach, and don't overload on Matzoh.

And watch out for dunghills ...

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