Ghostriders in the Sky: GHOST RIDER Review

Ghost Rider Review:

Ghost Rider is inherently cool as all hell. I mean he's basically the embodiment of every adolescent rock n' roll fantasy. He rides a badass bike, he's got a black leather jacket, he's a SKELETON, and his head is ON FIRE. Ghost Rider is one of those comic book creations that you look at, and you may not know his backstory, you may not be familiar with his allies or enemies ... but you look at this flaming-skulled creation and can't help but thinking "COOL."

So at first, I was curious to see this most rock n' roll of superheroes transferred to the big screen. I wasn't expecting the next Batman Begins or anything, but just the thought of seeing the Ghost Rider fully realized on screen was cause for excitement. Sure, this one had the potential to be a creative disaster - director Mark Steven Johnson had already botched Daredevil, and star Nicholas Cage tends to be very hit or miss - and lately much more miss. But, somehow, none of that could disuade my hopes that this would be a good movie - at the least, good clean over-the-top fun.

Reading the first reviews, the reality became increasingly clear that this would be a disaster of Fantastic Four proportions. But then again, the comic geeks have been a fickle bunch lately. They universally panned X-Men 3 even though it was essentially on par with the first two flicks, even as crapfests like Superman returns received blind praise. So maybe Ghost Rider was actually ... good? When I read this morning that it racked up 45 million this weekend, I knew that even if it WAS a trainwreck, it was a trainwreck I had to see for myself ...

And damn, what a trainwreck this was.

A total, spectacular disaster of epic proportions. Laughably horrendous dialogue. A self-mocking sense of "humor" that elicits ZERO laughs and only serves to remind the audience that they are watching a movie with an absurd premise. No, the only laughs this movie gets are totally unintentional. Terrible, bland f/x. Stomach-churning "acting." It's a testament to the inherent coolness of the Ghost Rider character that this manages to be watchable at all.

Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. There were, afterall, SOME things I liked in this movie. Two, to be precise.

1.) Sam Elliot. I mean, this guy is ALWAYS awesome. He's the ONLY actor in the movie that 100% sells the material. Every time he's onscreen, you're lulled intothat magical state of suspension of disbelief. Of course, every other actor immediately reminds you that you're watching a crappy movie. But for those few magical moments that Sam Elliot has the spotlight, the movie actually works. Damn, he's good.

2.) The metal cover of Johnny Cash's "Ghostriders in the Sky." Most of the music in this movie is godawful, cheeseball crap. But damn, this Johnny Cash cover is friggin' sweet. Too bad it's mostly just featured in the ending credits.

Yup, those are just about the only two things I liked in this whole movie. Oh, there was one shot where Ghost Rider was dropping from the top of a skyscraper that looked kinda cool, but that was probably just because the rest of the movie had the most bland, uninspired cinematography you could imagine. I mean, Mark Steven Johnson really, really dropped the ball here. Much like Fantastic Four - there's just NO energy, no kineticism, no wow factor in the direction AT ALL. Which is really too bad for a movie about a MOTORCYCLE-RIDING DEMONIC VIGILANTE. No artistic vision whatsoever. No sense of style, no atmosphere - just about as bland and uninspired looking as is possible given the subect matter. I mean, before the movie started I saw trailers for Grindhouse and Spiderman 3 - both exuded more style, coolness, and vision in their two and a half minutes than Ghost Rider did in 150. This movie should have modeled itself after moody goth fare like The Crow and Dark City, or even Marvel's own Blade franchise. Instead it felt like Spiderman directed by The Wayan's Brothers.

Now, Nicholas Cage has long wanted to play a superhero. Thank god he never got his hands on Superman as was once planned. But I guess, if any character is appropriate for Cage to play, it's Johnny Blaze. He DOES, afterall, have that Skeletor-ish look going for him. There's just one problem ... the man is freakin' INSANE. He plays the lead in this movie with all the nuance of a mack truck. And his character has enough quirk to fill three movies. He downs glasses of jellybeans, is obsessed with monkeys, and repeatedly talks to himself in the mirror. I kid you not. Nicholas Cage in this movie should have been going for badass. Instead he's bat$%&@ crazy. And he just looks retarded riding around on his motorcycle when not in full Ghost Rider flame-on mode. Sorry, but Nicholas Cage is too old, too goofy-looking, and plain and simple too weird to play a convincing badass superhero.

It also doesn't help that the dialogue in this movie is just cringe-inducingly horrible. As in, some of the worst I've ever heard. Whoever "wrote" this movie needs to find a new line of work. I mean, look, Peter Fonda has talent. Donal Logue has talent. Eva Mendes has looks, ample cleavage, and she may or may not have talent. But all three are made to look like complete tools in this movie as they are fed some of the worst lines I've ever seen - lines that make Halle Barry's infamous X-Men 1 dialogue look like Shakespeare in comparison.

Even worse, the movie is just inexcusably boring. For some reason, it follows the major plot beats of Spiderman to a T, which means that yes, ladies and gentlemen, some idiot decided that, REALLY, Ghost Rider is a LOVE STORY. Yep, like I am really going to a Ghost Rider movie to see a teenage Johnny Blaze and his teenage sweetheart sitting under a technicolor tree carving the couple's initials in the bark as sappy love music plays in the background. Yeah, that's really the essence of Ghost Rider right there. Good job on that one.

Now, I'm not saying that I was expecting this movie to have a plot that would blow me away. But the plot of this movie is just totally nonsensical and idiotic. So many scenes are just either out of place or else totally devoid of all logic. Even the action scenes have no zip, no dynamism, no creativity WHATSOEVER. I mean, this is Ghost Rider. How does this movie look as crappy as it does? They couldnt even get Ghost Rider's HEAD right! It looks like a poorly-textured Sega Saturn graphic cut and pasted onto Nicholas Cage's body. Okay, Cage's initial transformation into Ghostrider is cool for about one second, but after the underwhelming final appearance of ol' flamehead, I honestly just didn't care anymore. It was clear this movie had not more tricks up its sleeve. The villains were hardly worth mentioning - and I've rarely seen the Devil or his minions look so derivative and un-menacing. No imagination. No vision. Just Nicholas Cage pointing and gesticulating and constantly pointing out to the audience how stupid the movie they were watching was. I mean, look at Grindhouse. Just from the trailers, you see what kind of a movie it is - one that instantly makes you accept its crazy, over the top world at face value - hence the fun of the film. Ghostrider is filled with characters saying things like "You're Never Going to Believe This," "I Know This Sounds Crazy," etc. Well, now that ou mention it ...

IF Ghost Rider succeeds on any level, it's basically on a level of "I had zero expectations, and this is just stupid enough to be a good time." But really, it's not even that good. It's just laughably bad. All hail Sam Elliot though, because he's operating on a totally different plane of coolness than everyone else in this movie. But even one highly enjoyable performance can't save this steaming pile. On one hand, I love that the comic book genre is still thriving commercially. On the other hand, if pains me that some studio exec is looking at this success and is already giving MSJ the greenlight to bastardize yet another cool comic property. I mean, this guy, who's now delivered two unabashed comic-based crapfests in a row, is now spearheading PREACHER for HBO. The thought that this guy, who couldnt' even get Ghost Rider right, is now the caretaker of one of the greatest comics stories of all time ... well it makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Because that's the thing - Ghost Rider should have been an easy movie to make. Some cool CGI f/x, a few great action scenes, a dark, stylized world ... and you have a perfectly servicable GR movie. The fact that such a cool, simple concept got so badly crapped on is just pretty pathetic. Johnson, Cage, Sony, and Marvel should all be embarrassed, because Sam Elliot is about the only thing that keeps this movie from being a flat-out "F."

My Grade: D